satan's little suckass demonstration (greck) wrote,
satan's little suckass demonstration
greck

  • Music:
work has been keeping me busy the last week or so... the stressful kind of busy that makes me wish all the projects I'm in the middle of would just be over, so I can start from scratch. I have some time for myself tomorrow, but sunday into monday is going to be all work. if I bust my ass I'll have little do to next week, and can relax.

I've been spending a lot of my free moments and time spent driving on the phone, trying to catch up with people I haven't talked to in a while, or that I wish I talked to more often. cleaning out my inbox, too... trying to reply to the emails I've let pile up hip-deep.

I read this earlier, maybe it explains why.

Yeah, I'm not cool like you. I say stupid things and have the confidence of a fucking beetle. I think women are these mystifying creatures in which I will never be able to dabble in again. I'm fucked up inside, and I know the shit I say to you is stupid, and the way I act sometimes is retarded. I wish I could just be chill like you, I wish I had your confidence. I'd trade my intelligence, my smarts, my geekiness for it in a second. How fucked up is that? I would trade my livelihood for the ability to have friends abound. I'm not one of those people who many people can tolerate. I'm opinionated almost to a fault, and I'm egotistical in some fucked up way. You might ask, how I can be egotistical and not have any self confidence? It's because of my opinions, and the way I *will* put you down if you don't agree with me. Its my way of putting you down when you do something stupid. It's my way of bringing you down to my level, so that I can have some confidence over you. I'm fucked up like that, and I'm sorry. I just want to be like you, I swear.

You've been a good friend in the ways that you can be a good friend. I know that I fail sometimes. I'm not that fun to hang out with. I'm too serious and too lame. I don't have any other friends to bring over and make a party. I'm not social enough to turn any situation into anything enjoyable. If I can be a part of the equation, sometimes I come out decent, but never if I have to have the initiative. I'm just shitty like that. Thanks for not telling me off, thanks for not ever really letting me know of the shit that comes out of me, spewing sometimes like a river that you wish you could just escape.

I've been a good friend in that no matter what, no matter what, I will always be there for you. In a drop of a hat, and this is the only thing I really have to offer, I will do anything for you, I will do *ANYTHING* One of my redeeming qualities, of the short few that I do possess is my selflessness and the deep rooted idea in me that the friends I do have, who have stayed my friends no matter how stupid I get, are the MOST IMPORTANT things to my in my life. No matter what, that will never change. I will bend over backwards if I can. I will do anything you ask, just be my friend.

This is an ode to my friends. Thanks for putting up with my downfalls and realizing that even though I lack sometimes, I try real hard to be a person that everyone can like, and I know I don't have to try, but I can't help it, I don't like who I am. I'll try so hard, every day, to be like you, and to be better then who I am inside. I want to be like you. Please forgive me for that.

Yeah, I know I'm not cool like you, but even if I ever does come to pass that you stop being 'cool' in the eyes of everyone else, I will still revere you and compliment you as much as I can. That's what I do, that's who I am. I will never let you forget that you 'mean' something to me. I will never stop saying thank you for being my friend, I will never stop saying thank you for the littlest thing you do for me, because I do appreciate it, so very very much. I will never stop being your friend, even if the world turns is back on you. I'm not that person, and despite all my faults, I hope I am always your friend.

This is an ode to my friends.

(from even deeper)



I've been listening to the postal service non-stop for the last two days. it seems like a band that I would expect other people to not expect me to like... but I do, a lot. the fusion of the music and the deep, dark lyrics does weird things to my insides. the whole album brings back some pain from last summer through the magic of mnemonics, and then certain songs remind me of things that have happened more recently. too many plates spinning, and I think I've just needed a good, cathartic cry the last day or two.

I worked at christy's today to escape the pouring concrete, and ended up hanging out there until almost midnight. we walked across the street for sushi and the killer orange roughy special... I had a couple of beers, and then we walked down to the new pike to check out gameworks. switch to hard liquor, half-drunken video games, a decision to glow-in-the-dark bowl soon. talk of relationships, how the fear means it's real and worthwhile. even deeper says it better. you get the idea.

there are showers in the forecast for tomorow a.m., I hope they come through. going to see shai hulud tomorrow night. need to pack some programming in during the day. and construction gods will, sleep in for a while.
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